I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
