Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
