if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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