So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
