I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
