I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
