i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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