My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
