Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
