just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
