I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
