I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
