home. puking in laundry basket.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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