Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
