He uses pillows to masturbate.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
