I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
