hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
