i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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