I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
