my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
