i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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