I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
being pregnant is like rehab
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize