My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize