I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
