how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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