At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just cropdusted the office
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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