can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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