I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Alive.
So much puke
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Someone came in the potted fern
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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