plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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