I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
