you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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