you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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