What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
