i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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