she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
