i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
