I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
