Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
