So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
