he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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