she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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