Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
