I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
