If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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