I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
