My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
