My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
