im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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