he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
