Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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