Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize