Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
