I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
