K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize