i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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