So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
