everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
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I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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