i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
