just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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