shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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