I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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