dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
