haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
