why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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