having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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