Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
