That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
