connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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