What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
so much tequila, so little girl.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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