I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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