We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
