Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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