Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
foreskin is a definite game changer
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize