pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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